Spotlights are down and the seats are empty

After only 2 years of no dance, my life has truly become discordant. While all my friends rave about their colleges and universities, and travel that road called, 'finding my Self,' I find myself stuck in the rut I call home, finding...whatever it is that comes my way.

As a Dance Company (contemporary and modern jazz group composed of elite dancers from the International School Manila) alumni, I was taken aback when I was invited to guest at a show this late April. "Dance," I thought, "I haven't done that in a long time." I sunk into my seat and blankly stared at the piles of furniture catalogs I still had to get through for the home issue of Lifestyle. My heart raced and tears collected at the back of my eyes, ready to burst with just a blink. Memories flooded in and all of a sudden, I felt so drawn back to high school.

As a child, I've always loved dance. But unlike the stereotypical little girl in a tutu who's obsessed with pointing her toes and curving her arms, I loved the experimental-theatre-dance kind. What the fuck is that. It's like drama dance, expressing emotions through movement --it could be dancing to a poem recitation or noise rock, or simply acting and bodily expression with offbeat emphasis accompanied with disarranged music. I had immense passion for that form of dance, but after high school and a semester in uni, I quit dance. I missed my old team because there was a special bond that allowed us to feel each other with our eyes closed; there was trust. Not only was I disappointed with the new dance team I joined, but I realized that I had to quit dance to focus on my career, and so I could spend more time with my Love before he left for uni. It was a tough call, but I made that sacrifice cause I knew it would make him happy, and his happiness meant the world for me.

And now, after 2 long years of not being on stage, I remember those days when he'd watch me rehearse every day for three hours, just to spend my water breaks seated next to me as I, drenched in sweat, would just slouch on the seat and catch my breath. I remember the performances when I would look for him in the audience so I could feel more confident, since seeing him there made the butterflies in my stomach disappear. I remember bitching to him backstage about the shitty times I had with my parents and running to him for everything because it was where I felt safe. I remember holding hands in the cold hallways. I remember the stolen kisses. I remember his smell.

Dance just felt so cold today. Maybe because I'm not with my team members specifically. Maybe because no one's watching. Maybe because I don't know who I'm dancing for and why I'm still dancing.